**Note to Reader –Please turn your radio on and read this match report to the first song that plays**
As I begin this wonderful journey of writing the match report I am reminded of some very meaningful words that Sir Robert Freedmen once whispered to me, “I can’t bend over.” Profound! And with that I begin.
Sunday. She was a marvelous day. The sun was shining, the wind was calm and hopes were high as players from Rinos Vancouver assembled in the change room prior to their highly anticipated battle with Lobbans. Everyone on the squad was focused, mentally running through their roles and expectations, seeing victory in every way. Anticipation grew as the starting lineup was displayed on the wall. Only a disaster could ruin their chances, only a monumental change in the universe could disrupt the positive outcome that all envisioned…
Could it be? Cooper starting on the wing!? Was this to be their undoing?
Upon constant assurance from Coach Ken that Cooper would be fine and with a less than philosophical quip from Anjin (aka John Bligh) the mighty Rinos took the field. The rest, shall I say, was history.
However, due to some unfortunate wording in my contract I am forced to clarify the true happenings of that storied day. The game began as most games do, with a blow of the whistle and the monotonous movement of the ball. Bligh passes to Hanson. Hanson passes to Bligh who passes to Haas. Haas passes to Hanson. Hanson passes Cyrus. Marsh yells. Carrick passes, oops, meant shoots. Miss. And so it goes on like this for much of the first half. With little pressure from the Lobbans forwards it seemed like only a matter of time before the powerful Rino attack would strike. And they didn’t disappoint. At roughly the thirty-five minute mark the Lobbans defense presented Rino with a gift. Obviously mesmerized by the Ross Gellar-like looks of Cyrus Greenall one of the defenders was late in clearing the ball and with poise only a true “Friend” could have Cyrus stripped the ball and calmly placed it into the back of the net for 1-0 Rino lead. As the remaining minutes ticked away and with superb and often elegant defending by the Rino back four made up of John, Brent, Jordan, and Peter or as I like to say the PB and J’s (sorry it’s been a long day at work), the halftime whistle blew with the score still 1-0.
While the Rino players gathered at the sidelines, replenishing lost electrolytes, eager to begin the next half, the frantic screams of the Lobbans coach could be heard, as his now berated players prepared for the second half. Had they known that the second half would see the much anticipated return of Dylan, fresh off a mysterious ailment that ravaged his entire body often leaving him without the ability to experience any “joy” at home for the fear of a heart attack, they probably would have returned to Surrey early. Dylan’s presence was felt shortly into the second half as he received yet another perfect pass from Cyrus and with blazing speed busted through the defense and found himself on a breakaway. With his heart pounding, his finger throbbing and his ankles ready to collapse Dylan slid the ball flawlessly past the goalie. In the words of Salt-N-Pepa, “Shake Your Thing,” it was 2-0. (That reference, for those of you too slow to get it, was referring to Dylan’s beautiful yet sophisticated hair).
With a 2-0 lead it seemed inevitable that Rino would go on to victory until a rare breakdown in the Rino defense found a Lobbans forward one on one with Bligh. With an extra burst of speed, obviously attributable to his taking of steroids, the forward drove past Bligh and into the penalty box. With a desperate last lunge by Bligh this comically ballooning forward found himself floating through the air, hands raised, crashing to the turf. Perfect scores were given along with penalty shot. Stepping up to take the penalty was a Lobbans midfielder. Placing the ball on the white dot he was immediately questioned by Bligh as to whether he had the right spot. The player, unbeknownst to him, was being lured into one Bligh’s talented yet irritating plots of destruction. Unsure as to whether he had placed the ball correctly, white or yellow, white or yellow, and with one final look towards Bligh for help (Bligh just shook his head) the kick was taken and missed as the ball slammed against the crossbar. Well covered by Tyler and beautifully distracted by Bligh the score remained 2-0 and the clean sheet intact.
Roughly at the seventy-five minute mark Vincent, not my cousin, Martin entered the game. With his recent call up from the minors Vinny has showed a lot of promise and he too did not disappoint. The ball was passed from Rino to Rino, eventually finding the leading assist giver Cyrus, who played a wonderfully placed cross into the box as a charging Vinny, now finding himself falling over his own feet, connected perfectly with the cross and scored. Although he entered the net before the ball the goal was given and the score was 3-0.
And so it ends. 3-0. Another perfect game by Rino, another shutout by the defense and another berating by the Lobbans coach. Well played everyone! Let’s continue our unbeaten streak on Friday.