**Note to Reader –Please turn your radio on and read this match report to the first song that plays**

As I begin this wonderful journey of writing the match report I am reminded of some very meaningful words that Sir Robert Freedmen once whispered to me, “I can’t bend over.”  Profound!  And with that I begin.

Sunday.  She was a marvelous day.  The sun was shining, the wind was calm and hopes were high as players from Rinos Vancouver assembled in the change room prior to their highly anticipated battle with Lobbans.  Everyone on the squad was focused, mentally running through their roles and expectations, seeing victory in every way.  Anticipation grew as the starting lineup was displayed on the wall.  Only a disaster could ruin their chances, only a monumental change in the universe could disrupt the positive outcome that all envisioned…

Could it be?  Cooper starting on the wing!?  Was this to be their undoing?

Upon constant assurance from Coach Ken that Cooper would be fine and with a less than philosophical quip from Anjin (aka John Bligh) the mighty Rinos took the field.  The rest, shall I say, was history.

However, due to some unfortunate wording in my contract I am forced to clarify the true happenings of that storied day. The game began as most games do, with a blow of the whistle and the monotonous movement of the ball.  Bligh passes to Hanson. Hanson passes to Bligh who passes to Haas.  Haas passes to Hanson.  Hanson passes Cyrus.  Marsh yells.  Carrick passes, oops, meant shoots.  Miss.  And so it goes on like this for much of the first half. With little pressure from the Lobbans forwards it seemed like only a matter of time before the powerful Rino attack would strike.  And they didn’t disappoint.  At roughly the thirty-five minute mark the Lobbans defense presented Rino with a gift.  Obviously mesmerized by the Ross Gellar-like looks of Cyrus Greenall one of the defenders was late in clearing the ball and with poise only a true “Friend” could have Cyrus stripped the ball and calmly placed it into the back of the net for 1-0 Rino lead.  As the remaining minutes ticked away and with superb and often elegant defending by the Rino back four made up of John, Brent, Jordan, and Peter or as I like to say the PB and J’s (sorry it’s been a long day at work), the halftime whistle blew with the score still 1-0.

While the Rino players gathered at the sidelines, replenishing lost electrolytes, eager to begin the next half, the frantic screams of the Lobbans coach could be heard, as his now berated players prepared for the second half.  Had they known that the second half would see the much anticipated return of Dylan, fresh off a mysterious ailment that ravaged his entire body often leaving him without the ability to experience any “joy” at home for the fear of a heart attack, they probably would have returned to Surrey early.  Dylan’s presence was felt shortly into the second half as he received yet another perfect pass from Cyrus and with blazing speed busted through the defense and found himself on a breakaway.  With his heart pounding, his finger throbbing and his ankles ready to collapse Dylan slid the ball flawlessly past the goalie. In the words of Salt-N-Pepa, “Shake Your Thing,” it was 2-0.  (That reference, for those of you too slow to get it, was referring to Dylan’s beautiful yet sophisticated hair).

With a 2-0 lead it seemed inevitable that Rino would go on to victory until a rare breakdown in the Rino defense found a Lobbans forward one on one with Bligh.  With an extra burst of speed, obviously attributable to his taking of steroids, the forward drove past Bligh and into the penalty box. With a desperate last lunge by Bligh this comically ballooning forward found himself floating through the air, hands raised, crashing to the turf.  Perfect scores were given along with penalty shot. Stepping up to take the penalty was a Lobbans midfielder.  Placing the ball on the white dot he was immediately questioned by Bligh as to whether he had the right spot.  The player, unbeknownst to him, was being lured into one Bligh’s talented yet irritating plots of destruction.  Unsure as to whether he had placed the ball correctly, white or yellow, white or yellow, and with one final look towards Bligh for help (Bligh just shook his head) the kick was taken and missed as the ball slammed against the crossbar.  Well covered by Tyler and beautifully distracted by Bligh the score remained 2-0 and the clean sheet intact.

Roughly at the seventy-five minute mark Vincent, not my cousin, Martin entered the game.  With his recent call up from the minors Vinny has showed a lot of promise and he too did not disappoint.  The ball was passed from Rino to Rino, eventually finding the leading assist giver Cyrus, who played a wonderfully placed cross into the box as a charging Vinny, now finding himself falling over his own feet, connected perfectly with the cross and scored.  Although he entered the net before the ball the goal was given and the score was 3-0.

And so it ends.  3-0.  Another perfect game by Rino, another shutout by the defense and another berating by the Lobbans coach.  Well played everyone! Let’s continue our unbeaten streak on Friday.

Rino’s took on Binger’s on October 9th, and it rained heavily throughout the game.  The field featured baseball diamonds on each corner, on which large puddles had gathered, especially around 2nd base, which prompted team Captain Jordan Haas to remark that the puddles should not be an issue for John Bligh (starting sweeper) as Bligh has never been to 2nd base and has no prospects of doing so.  The starting line up featured many familiar faces, and a first start in mid field for newcomer Paul Thomson, who was recruited to make sure Rino’s keeps its requisite quota of Irishmen, as this also proved to be the last game for midfielder David Collins.  He has been a valuable edition to the club, and we wish him well as he moves to Toronto for work.

The match was scrappy from the outset, with the slick field leading to mis-hit passes and poor touch.  Bingers had skilled forwards, and created a few chances in the early going. Bingers scored first on a low cross, which the forward got to ahead of his marker, Jon Cooper.  Rino’s bounced back quickly though, and 5 minutes before half they capitalized on profligate defensive play by Bingers to equalize, with Cyrus crossing neatly for Charlie to finish.  At the end of the 1st half, Rino’s were unfortunate not to be ahead 2-1, after John Bligh was taken down from behind in the box, a blatant penalty.  This was far from the ref’s only poor decision on the day as the performance of both teams was marred by bad officiating.

Rino’s started the 2nd half strong enough, but gifted a goal to former Rino’s defender Cory Jackson, who was not marked closely enough on a Binger’s corner.  Apropos of the weather, Rino’s ‘stormed’ back. In-form striker Cyrus scored after being set up by Charlie, and then Charlie put Rino’s ahead, finishing off a fast break by rounding the keep and netting home.  Rino’s was able to hold on to their lead for about 20 minutes, a period of play which featured a crushing (though completely legal) tackle by Bligh, which propelled the opposing player horizontal over the drenched turf.

With about 5 minutes to go, Binger’s was awarded a free kick, about 40 yards from goal, and they equalized off of this when their striker pushed Rino’s defender John Marsh (who came on at half) in the back, thus opening space for a header at close range.  This obviously caused much consternation amongst the Rino’s players, and in payment for politely making his feelings known to the referee, Charlie was given a yellow card.  A grave injustice.  Shortly thereafter, before the re-start, he engaged in a light hearted discussion with Rino’s midfielder Laurie Flynn, which the referee mistook for an argument.  Failing to appreciate the subtleties of Laurie’s Scottish accent, the ref gave him his 2nd yellow card and he was sent off.  As sorry as Rino’s were about the send off, the team’s cooler was sorrier, as Laurie demolished it as soon as he got to the sideline.

Rino’s pushed hard through injury time, aggressively choosing to maintain 2 front runners despite the sending off, and they were awarded with a last minute penalty kick.  Unfortunately the keeper guessed right, and saved Charlie’s effort.  The game ended 3-3, a tie that in many ways felt like a loss.  That said, the spirit and effort of the team were good throughout the match, as evidenced by Rino’s twice coming back from one goal deficits.

Rino returned to the scene of their Labour Day triumph on Saturday with high hopes of coming back to Vancouver with something much better than a new ball or even a Nissan hubcap: three points. Although our cobbler-to- the- stars benefactor was conspicuous by his absence, his team was roared on by their ever-increasing supporters club, which now comprises ‘Chair-breakin’ Steve Thom, ‘Mo-Money-Mo-Problems’ Khan, Cyrus’s party-loving dad and alternating members of the Hanson family.

The line-up remained mostly unchanged from last week’s demolition of CAFA, although Tyler started between the sticks and Peter made way for Cooper. And after a prolonged period of sterling work for the CAT team, Vinny Martin has forced his way into the first team picture, beginning this one on the bench.

Rino began the game with confidence and purpose and didn’t have to wait long for the breakthrough; Wadey’s far-post corner nodded back across goal by Charlie and Cyrus finding the bottom left with a carefully placed header. And while he may bear more than a passing resemblance to Ross Geller from Friends, Cyrus certainly wasn’t ‘on a break’ when he had the wherewithal to return the favour to Charlie a few minutes later. His smart pass to feet gave his partner the relatively simple task of turning his lumbering marker and firing into the far corner.

Things were coming along rather nicely now, with Bligh and Brent again looking assured at the back and Desmesh’s 4-5-1 formation giving Coop and Haas time and space on either side of the burly duo. Even McMeners showed some lovely touch and passing in the engine room – the impish Scottish midfielder finally seems to be coming to terms with Corner’s abandonment of him and looks ready to fill Ally Gray’s child-size boots over the coming weeks. He still got taken off at half-time though; Ryan

taking his place.

The second half began with Zain and Peter lining up down the left side and it was that combination which created the crucial third goal. A patient passing build up began at the heart of the defence and ended with Peter feeding Zain, who showed lovely feet to jink around three defenders and finish with aplomb. Vinny was also in the action now and was spraying passes around in distinctly Cantwellian fashion as well as proving more than capable in the defensive third of the field. On that note, it must be said that Desmesh were limited to exactly one goal scoring chance in the entire game. Bligh told me to put that in.

Just like last week, goals were now there for the taking and take them we did. First, a precise long pass from the excellent Vinny was controlled by Charlie and laid into the path of goal-virgin Ryan Armstrong. Moranis confidently found the bottom corner, but only via a diversion by Andrew Wade. Unlucky Ryan. Wade’s lucky day continued when his mishit ball to Cyrus was left by a defender and dropped at the feet of Charlie, who gratefully half-volleyed it past the hapless keeper. Remarkably, these two serendipitous contributions were enough to earn Wadey the Nissan man-of-the-match award at the filthy hubcap’s spiritual home. The fifth goal also marked the end of ‘Billy-Ray’ Cyrus’s afternoon, the on-form forward departing with an achy breaky ego when he saw that Wee Laurie McMenemie was his replacement.

All in all, this was another good performance from a team rapidly recovering its confidence and there

was encouraging work all over the pitch from all 15 guys involved. Next week`s game should prove a much tougher test but with no fresh injury concerns and no silly yellow cards, a head of steam has certainly been built up. I would say that the team seem to have bonded in the wake of a difficult start to the season, but I don`t want Wadey to get the wrong idea and hate crime me with his hubcap.

Rino’s break early season slump with 7-0 destruction of CAFA United…

Sunday, September 26, 2010, 4pm: Point Grey Turf.

Coming off a rough start to the 2010-2011 season, Rino’s third Div 1 match vs. CAFA United proved to be a step in the right direction. Actually, scratch that. It was a 7-0 giant leap with style in the right direction.

While watching the goals during the highlight reel, you’ll almost certainly ask yourself, “Is this tape stuck on repeat?” I assure you, it’s not. After a nicely placed goal in the upper corner by Rino rookie Dave Collins early in the game, it became “The Chaz Show”. Charlie “Chaz” Carrick led the squad’s points with a 5-goal performance that placed him convincingly on top of the scorer’s list (sorry Bligh) and on the hitlist of every opposing team in Division 1. Chaz even made an uncharacteristic pass late in the game to Cyrus Greenall, who strengthened the win with a nice finish and 7^th goal for Rinos.

Funny thing is, Cyrus’ goal wasn’t as late in the game as the referee’s soon-to-follow, game-ending whistle would have you believe. The ref, eager to rush home for the season premier of Desperate Housewives, ended the onslaught at least ten minutes early! Either that, or he felt 7 was enough.

The middle of the park saw some changes this week. John Marsh and Laurie Flynn distributed the ball well to wingers Andrew Wade and Dave Collins, who helped create several chances. Flynn entered the game fairly early after a worrisome injury to Ally Gray. Gray may now be joining the ever-increasing injured list already composed of Dylan Smith, Grant French and Zain Kahn. Ryan Armstrong, Corby O’Genski and John Cooper all got a piece of the action as well, helping to continue the team’s first win.

The game was marked by solid performances all around, with the back line securing the squad’s first clean sheet of the season. John Bligh and Brent Hanson commanded the central defense, allowing few balls in the air to ever reach the heads of the opposition, and punishing any CAFA players who attempted weak stepovers through the middle. Peter Bohdal and Jordan Haas played equally strong defense as the outside backs, stopping nearly every cross that potentially could have entered the danger zone. Bligh frequently asserted himself as sweeper to both teammates and opposition by yelling loudly, which was often a good thing. However, Brent’s visiting grandmother begs to differ. Watching peacefully from the sideline, an infuriated Bligh let loose an expletive-laden tirade against a CAFA player. She heard everything, and after consulting her Irish-English dictionary is now undergoing therapy.

It should be noted that the Rino defense held CAFA United to 0 shots on goal. That’s right, 0, as in, “not one”. Having said that, there was one free kick awarded to a

CAFA player just outside of the box that resulted in second half goalie Tyler Wilman punching the shot safely over the goal. However, there is heated debate on whether that ball was on target or already going over. I’m gonna go with latter. So 0 shots against.

It was hard not to be a bit cocky confident in the writeup after gaining the much-needed first points of the season during this blowout. However, it’s important that we don’t let it go to our heads. There was still a fair amount of sloppy play and forced passes from players. It’s important for Rino’s to follow up this win with a second in the coming weekend!

Goals: Dave Collins, Charlie Carrick (5), Cyrus Greenall

Nissan Hubcap Man of the Match: Charlie Carrick (well-deserved)

*On a final note, it seems that Carrick’s 5 goal performance has already gone to his head. The thespian/striker has decided to take the week off from training to sign autographs and attend a photoshoot in San Diego. When asked about his decision not to attend practice, Carrick responded, “I’m supposed to be a franchise player and we in here talkin’ about practice… not a game, we talking about practice…” See the rest of his interview below.

Silver for Rino”s Again

Another week, another Olympics, another loss. Rino”s, after emulating Canada”s Winter performance this Summer seem determined now to match Canada”s impending Summer performance this Winter.

A slightly weakened side turned up on Saturday to take on Richmond Olympics. Grant French a notable absence, after a crunching tackle during our long weekend success, and the pivotal Dylan Smith, after a freak typing incident writing the last match report. One addition to the squad however was the return of Ally Gray who had received a pre-emptive 1 match ban from the league for the first game. Within minutes of the kick off we were reminded of what we had missed and also why he had been suspended. Gray was firmly planted in Richmond”s heads and on the refs radar.

An altogether scrappy first half created few chances for either team, with both defences coming out on top, until a moment of madness from the Richmond centre back let in new front man Cyrus Greenall for a league début goal. Rino”s had been putting Richmond under pressure high up the field and when an under hit back-pass fell to Cyrus he coolly rounded the on rushing keeper to slot home the opener. This would be as good as it got though for Rino”s. Shortly after taking the lead they were pegged back to 1-1. A corner from the left was cleared to the top of the box where Richmond dispatched an unstoppable shot to tie things up.

The half finished 1-1, with neither team playing the kind of football Vous etes en mesure d’imprimer un et avoir aussi avec vous que ce soit occasions bien jouer votre – quelque chose d’un casino traditionnel ne vous permettra pas de le faire – et de suivre exactement ce que combine avec une approche jalonnement. they are capable. Sporadic fights were breaking out in the stands as frustrated fans demanded their money back. Luckily for them the 2nd half was a bit more lively.

With both teams now pushing for the win, Richmond inspired by their late equaliser in the first and Rinos inspired by Ken Adloff”s story about a team he once played for that conceded late in the half that went on to score 3 in the second, but conceded 4 and got relegated, the riotous fans were presented with a more open game.

Long range efforts from Gray and Wade failed to test the keeper, and when Cyrus was played through 1 on 1 he looked certain to double his tally, only for the galloping speedster Charlie Carrick to call him from the half way line to leave it. Cyrus, not knowing Carrick well enough, stepped aside, and the Richmond defense breathed a sigh of relief.

For all our chances and half chances Richmond were now creating more freely too, but some good stops from returning Tyler Wilman, and hard tackling on the backline kept them at bay. Ultimately though Rino”s would be undone by long balls. After a couple of half chances from punts up front one finally paid off for Richmond. A bouncing ball found it”s way through the defense, with Wilman caught in two minds to charge or stay the Richmond forward lofted it neatly over him to take the lead.

Shortly after it was 3-1 and Rino”s day was over. Another long ball squirted through and again the forward delivered a nice finish to seal the 3 pts for Richmond and maintain their 100% record. Rino”s kept pushing though and showed good spirit. Carrick creating a nice chance for himself that he drove just wide into the side netting. But they never found the finishing touch and the game finished 3-1.

Rino”s are left with their 0% record after two games and an Olympic struggle ahead of them to gain promotion.

Team: Wilman, Bodhal, Haas(Khan 80), Hanson(Cooper 65), Marsh, Carrick, Wade, Gray, Flynn(Corner 45), Greenall, Collins(Bligh 45)

Having extricated themselves from the Glazer-Westside conglomerate, newly freed men Rinos Vancouver SC kicked off their 2010-11 First Division campaign on Sunday afternoon at Point Grey Park.  Unfortunately, despite the sellout crowd and brilliant Vancouver weather, it was a day to forget – though there’s little chance that striker[sic] John Bligh will allow that to happen.  Indeed, a 2-1 defeat to Vancouver Olympics (named after the steroid-ridden 1960’s-to-90’s Olympic period, judging by the rippled, jersey-stretching physique of their starting forward) has left Rinos a leg behind in their battle for promotion.

So where did things go wrong?  The enthusiasm was there from the get-go, with Jonathan Cooper’s usual head-to-the-floor pre-game cheer and a finger-crushing tackle by Dylan Smith setting the tone.  Notably, on the latter the ball went out of bounds, and there was more of that to come.  That is, it wasn’t much of a tone.

Enthusiasm, of course, is a word employed when more robustly positive ones put the lie to the tale.  And so it was that the first half saw an ‘enthusiastic’ (which rhymes, incidentally, with spastic) Rinos side groping around blindly for their touch.  Or their rhythm.  Flow.  Anything really.

“It’s strange about our lack of touch,” said one player, who asked to remain anonymous for fear that his starting spot might be at risk, “I mean, we practice with these same balls – is there any difference between a white-and-yellow Sportek and a white-and-yellow Jubilani?”

“Of course not!” he then said, surprising the gathered media which thought he was asking a rhetorical question.

It seemed nothing could get the proverbial bus turned around.  Not a voluntary substitution from midfield hardman Laurie Flynn (exhausted after being called up for the Scottish national side’s match against mighty Lichtenstein, he seemed delighted to come off), who was replaced by hard-tackling Laurentian grad, Ryan Armstrong.  Not constant pressure from Andrew Wade on the left.  Not a through ball to a surprised Bligh from the Olympics’ right back.  Not even the realization that the much vaunted Olympics squad was, in fact, remarkably and almost depressingly lame; that the game was there for the taking.

Then, disaster.  Two uncharacteristically weak goals, both by the aforementioned Adonis – as if his superhero shape actually did come with some kind of 18-yard box force field – and a daunting deficit.  And to add insult to injury, or the other way around, Rino’s lost starting ‘keeper Jeff Thom after a brave and courageous… well it was a goal kick.  Stefan “You Got to Know When To Holden” Caulfield, a reserve fullback, came on to replace Thom, looking strangely comfortable between the pipes.

Finally, mercifully, the half came to an end.  As the players trudged toward the Sleemans dressing room, a mood as dark as the sky settled in.  Then, with the transcendent oratory of Churchill and the tactical genius of MacArthur, Coach Kenny Adloff (he’s reading this, right?) had the boys’ heads turned around.

Speedster Zain Khan was in on the right.  Dave Collins, newly signed from JJ Dubliners for €17 million and a surprise inclusion in the squad for today’s match, was in up front, spearheading the 4-4-2 with Charlie Carrick, who decided to emerge from his (huge) trailer for the second half.  Summer goal scoring machine Alex Corner moved to the left.  It was game on.

No, literally.  Even as Coop gathered them once more to cheer the mighty Rino cheer, the referee was impatiently urging the team back onto the field.

As the second half got under way, and time went on, one question began to loom.  The crowd started whispering, rumours swirled, and the question lingered over the field, unresolved, begging to be answered.  Would they or wouldn’t they?  After 10 minutes the answer was no.  Same after 20 minutes.  30 minutes.  Then, at last, it happened, although just once, and so fast that only a few people actually saw it.  After the match, however, officials from the league’s Dubious Circumstances Committee confirmed that yes, it happened: the Vancouver Olympics did get the ball into the Rino half of the field.

What happened the other 98% of the time?  Rinos began to assert itself as a team, slowly but surely.  Attacking with energy, stringing together two, sometimes even three passes, winning a few tackles, building the pressure.  Nissan Man-of the-Match, John Marsh (the only player ever to have won the award) would win a header, the midfield would collect it, lose it, Olympics – no slouches themselves in the touch-of-stone department – would kick it out of bounds, Haas or Bohdal would throw it in to a striker, who would play it back to a midfielder who’d play it to another midfielder, who’d lose it out of bounds – but off an Olympics player! – Haas or Bohdal, their arms fatiguing now, would throw it in once more to a striker, who would try to take it himself this time, leading to a goal kick, and back to John Marsh’s head.  And again.

Until, a flashy move from Collins, a bad tackle in the box, and a penalty for Rinos.  But why score on a penalty when you’re building such good momentum in the run of play?  So asked Smith.  And indeed, his tactical decision was borne out soon after when Marshy, not to be confused with his younger brother Marshy, let loose a cannon from 40 yards (one of those old, old cannons that shot lead in high arcs over battery walls) which clanged off the crossbar and into the waiting feet of Bligh who, with his usual elegance, slammed it home.  2-1.  Olympics on their heels.  Rinos steaming forward.  Bligh on top of the scoring charts.

The comeback seemed inevitable as Rinos continued to press.  Haas headed just wide.  Zain almost snuck a free kick through.  Carrick broke free for a shot on target, and then a deflected another free kick.  But in an unlikely and unexpected performance, Bilbo Baggins, in a cameo appearance as the Olympic keeper and with the magic ring once more in his possession, conjured a string of magnificent saves, like a goalkeeping idiot savant, thwarting Rinos again and again.  And as time ran down, and the Olympics’ façade of talent crumbled around them, their keeper continued to stand… well, not really tall, but he continued to stand, parrying away even the last cross of the game to bring his team victory.

And so it is Rinos open their accounts with a tough loss, but already the players are looking ahead.  The squad looks forward to the addition of midfielder Ali Gray and the return of Jeff Thom for the next match, and hopefully Grant French, last year’s MVP, soon after that.  The season is young.  The squad returns to practice today hungry, wounded, dangerous.  Ready.